Myriam

So tonight, as usual, I opened the TV around 7:00 PM. I watch it for about 2 hours, then I went to bed. I wasn't able to close my eyes. Turning and turning in my bed thinking about Myriam. I decided to open my computer and to write to you about her. I hope that this exercise will help me to find peace and to finally fall asleep.

Who is Myriam ?

Myriam is this cute girl from the customer services department. She has long light brown hair and green eyes. She is not my type physically, but she is the sweetest person I met at work and I convinced myself that she was the One for about 1 year. We hang out for a couple of month before I realized last month that I wasn't in love with her.

What happened ?

We were friends. We were going out with some people of the job on Friday night. A little gang of coworkers happy to have a drink after work. Those night, Myriam was literally shining. Always smiling, always laughing, and always ready to speak about anything with gusto. Until her boyfirend broke up with her. Then, she changed into a sad and negative person. For some reason I felt empathy for her and I started to see her on a more regular basis.

I don't know if it was my empathy for her that fooled me, but I started to have feelings for her. I wanted to be with her ,to make her smile, and to see her happy. I asked her out officially in February and I insisted a couple of month before she finally surrendered.

I always felt like she was on her guard with me. We were touching and kissing, but for some medical reason, we didn't had sex together. I started after a couple of month to think: "What will happen if we can't connect sexually?" It wasn't bothering me at the beginning, but more the time was passing, more it became an issue in my head. At one point, I just felt it was better this way. At least, I wasn't using her for sex; we were comforting each other only with our presence. When she finally told me: " I'm ready, we can do it", I backed off. I wanted her, but I wasn't convinced I was in love with her anymore and I was feeling cheap to touch her.

I broke up with her in the week and she went mad. She told me all the things girls are saying to a guy to make him feel cheap. It worked. I listened to her until the end, offered to drive her home, and left her in front of her door. I knew I did the right thing when I realized I wasn't sad.

I felt terrible when I saw her at job, not because I was in love, but because I felt responsible for her sadness.

So ?

Why am I thinking about her? Why is she haunting me?

I saw her last Friday. She knew I was going with the guys to have a drink and she came with her friend. Both of them acted in front of me like I wasn't there. I was so pissed.

I didn't expect her friendship, but at least respect. I feel like I have been honest and mature with her, but she was acting like a child. Her attitude just convinced me she was still in love with me and that she wasn't able to deal with it. It made me feel cheap. It hurt me.

What I realize right now is that I need to forgive myself. It won't be an easy one.

2013-11-13 - Welcome to my life

Hi !

I'm Nathan Sirouac. I'm technician for the government. I spend all my day answering to clerk and officer computer problems. From Monday to Friday, my blackberry is ringing with urgency asking for support. As my family says, I have a very stable and paying job, but it is not very motivating and my weeks pass slowly.
Each Saturday, I meet my friend Carl to the Cage, our favorite bar. We have some drinks, we speak with the people, and we meet girls.
 At 35 years old, I still didn't find my soul-mate. I met a lot of women, but I still didn't find the One. There is always something that is not working and today, disillusioned, I decided to share my experience on the dating matter.
To be totally fair, I met the woman. Her name is Margaret. Unfortunately, I broke her hearth years ago and, before I had the time to realize she was the perfect woman, she decided to cut the bridge between us. Since then, I can't forgive myself as I can't forget her.
You think it is pathetic, I think the same, but I can't help it. A lot of people think I'm a lost cause, but I still believe she exists this girl that will make me feel love again.
When luck will smile to me, you'll know it.